This is such a wonderful post. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my Dad nearly 4 years ago and he was just 65 too, I thought he'd live to be an old man, it still doesn't seem real really. The way you've described how all consuming grief is, especially in the early stages is so true. It literally feels bigger than you.
I love when you said:
"Those acts of love, they are enduring and immutable. They are what really matter. Very little else that we spend our valuable time and attention on does."
It's so true.
I can relate to that perspective shift too after such a big bereavement. I ended up leaving my job and retraining as a Coach after my Dad passed away, I just couldn't carry on doing the daily grind doing something I didn't enjoy and kind of sleepwalking through life. Like you say knowing what matters and redefining success is a gift of grief.
I'm so sorry. I'm with you in it not feeling real, even this far on. My Mum's journey went from racing my 4 year old son to the park in late October to passing by the beginning of July.
That's so brave of you, that you listened to your body and the lessons your grief had to offer. What a beautiful gift to your Dad's memory - to live your life as fully and deeply as possible.
I think especially as women (who are taught we aren't valuable as we release the trappings of youth) it was rebellious to claim the truth that it's a privilege to grow old.
I think the trick is to find a way to let go of (as much as is possible) the fear of it, and to surrender. It's the only way I've found to move forward with any kind of grace into a full and purposeful life.
"Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
It's hard to believe that it even happened when there's been such a quick decline too like you describe with your mum. One of the hardest things is Dad not seeing his grandchildren grow up, that hurts, but I've just got to believe that he is there with us somehow, somewhere. I always say that I don't think the words exist to describe the monumental loss of grief, if someone hasn't experienced similar to us, it's very hard to describe how it feels.
Thank you - that comment made me well up, I'd never thought of it like that honouring my Dad's memory, but that feels right.
Your words and that quote, they land deeply. Surrendering, just the thought of it make me breathe a sigh of relief.
Yes, the grandkids thing was heartbreaking for us, too. My sister welcomed her first child only two weeks after my Mum died, just down the hall in the same hospital.
My eldest was four when Mum passed, and he's an old soul. They talked about what they thought happened to us after we died, and they decided they liked the idea of reincarnation. Mum decided she'd like to come back as a hummingbird - so now whenever we see one on the farm, we all say hello to Nana.
I have had a handful of heart-wrenching moments in my garden when I've had a ruby throated hummer come and simply hover right in front of me for what seemed like an eternity ... I have no idea what happens to us after we pass, but I believe my mum was with me in those moments, wherever her energy went.
Fighting it won't change a thing - surrender is really the only option. The challenge is to find as much grace within the rage of that surrender as we can, and do what we can to make meaning out of heartbreak.
That's so sad about your sister too, that must have been an extremely tough time.
I love that about the hummingbirds, I think it's so important to believe in these signs. Ours are robins and feathers, every time my son sees a feather he says its a message from Grandad. My Dad used to love robins too, and always believed that his parents were visiting him when he saw one, so I'm choosing to believe the same. One day at a country park, I saw 7 robins! That was special.
Thank you for opening up this conversation about grief, sonething that isn't talked about enough but is so cathartic when we get the chance to open up about our own very unique experiences. X
I joined a grief circle with Sophy Banks last week that felt so nourishing, really an incredible experience if anyone wants to be held in community with their experience of grief, no matter how small or big. Beautiful rituals, sharing and holding. So gentle and slow
Yes good point, thank you for asking, Stacey! As much as I love their work, the website is a bit hard to navigate. But really the most beautiful experience to join one of the circles.
I loved this ....instead, the question becomes ...
How can I earn a living while building a legacy of love? It too went down this path. Resonated very much so with me. I recently lost my mum and best friend ( a year ago) it’s a big hole a big big hole. Thankyou
This is such a wonderful post. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my Dad nearly 4 years ago and he was just 65 too, I thought he'd live to be an old man, it still doesn't seem real really. The way you've described how all consuming grief is, especially in the early stages is so true. It literally feels bigger than you.
I love when you said:
"Those acts of love, they are enduring and immutable. They are what really matter. Very little else that we spend our valuable time and attention on does."
It's so true.
I can relate to that perspective shift too after such a big bereavement. I ended up leaving my job and retraining as a Coach after my Dad passed away, I just couldn't carry on doing the daily grind doing something I didn't enjoy and kind of sleepwalking through life. Like you say knowing what matters and redefining success is a gift of grief.
I'm so sorry. I'm with you in it not feeling real, even this far on. My Mum's journey went from racing my 4 year old son to the park in late October to passing by the beginning of July.
That's so brave of you, that you listened to your body and the lessons your grief had to offer. What a beautiful gift to your Dad's memory - to live your life as fully and deeply as possible.
I think especially as women (who are taught we aren't valuable as we release the trappings of youth) it was rebellious to claim the truth that it's a privilege to grow old.
I think the trick is to find a way to let go of (as much as is possible) the fear of it, and to surrender. It's the only way I've found to move forward with any kind of grace into a full and purposeful life.
"Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang." - Mary Oliver
It's hard to believe that it even happened when there's been such a quick decline too like you describe with your mum. One of the hardest things is Dad not seeing his grandchildren grow up, that hurts, but I've just got to believe that he is there with us somehow, somewhere. I always say that I don't think the words exist to describe the monumental loss of grief, if someone hasn't experienced similar to us, it's very hard to describe how it feels.
Thank you - that comment made me well up, I'd never thought of it like that honouring my Dad's memory, but that feels right.
Your words and that quote, they land deeply. Surrendering, just the thought of it make me breathe a sigh of relief.
I'm so glad that helped.
Yes, the grandkids thing was heartbreaking for us, too. My sister welcomed her first child only two weeks after my Mum died, just down the hall in the same hospital.
My eldest was four when Mum passed, and he's an old soul. They talked about what they thought happened to us after we died, and they decided they liked the idea of reincarnation. Mum decided she'd like to come back as a hummingbird - so now whenever we see one on the farm, we all say hello to Nana.
I have had a handful of heart-wrenching moments in my garden when I've had a ruby throated hummer come and simply hover right in front of me for what seemed like an eternity ... I have no idea what happens to us after we pass, but I believe my mum was with me in those moments, wherever her energy went.
Fighting it won't change a thing - surrender is really the only option. The challenge is to find as much grace within the rage of that surrender as we can, and do what we can to make meaning out of heartbreak.
xo
That's so sad about your sister too, that must have been an extremely tough time.
I love that about the hummingbirds, I think it's so important to believe in these signs. Ours are robins and feathers, every time my son sees a feather he says its a message from Grandad. My Dad used to love robins too, and always believed that his parents were visiting him when he saw one, so I'm choosing to believe the same. One day at a country park, I saw 7 robins! That was special.
Thank you for opening up this conversation about grief, sonething that isn't talked about enough but is so cathartic when we get the chance to open up about our own very unique experiences. X
I joined a grief circle with Sophy Banks last week that felt so nourishing, really an incredible experience if anyone wants to be held in community with their experience of grief, no matter how small or big. Beautiful rituals, sharing and holding. So gentle and slow
That sounds lovely! Do you have a link you could share with the others?
Yes good point, thank you for asking, Stacey! As much as I love their work, the website is a bit hard to navigate. But really the most beautiful experience to join one of the circles.
https://grieftending.org/grief-tending-in-community/?amp=1
I see you Stacey it’s so precious when we do finally see this experience as a gift 💛
I lost my mum as a 14 year old. It’s been 16 years now and it was tough when I realised I lived longer without than actually with her.
Memories are precious and my approach to life is likely different that that of others my age who haven’t lost a parent so early.
Ooph. That's such a tender age at the best of times, I'm so sorry Carmen.
I loved this ....instead, the question becomes ...
How can I earn a living while building a legacy of love? It too went down this path. Resonated very much so with me. I recently lost my mum and best friend ( a year ago) it’s a big hole a big big hole. Thankyou
Oh, I'm so sorry. It's been over 7 years and I still occasionally find myself picking up the phone to call her.
I'm not sure the grief ever really goes away - we just get better at carrying it.
xo