Oh, so me. SO ME! I retired early at 60 last May from a high stress attorney job, did really well while working on a goal - getting in shape and losing 65 pounds - and collapsed after reaching it. Anxiety, depression, disassociation, ruminating about death, the WORKS. Finally found a doctor who didn't want to pump me with antidepressants. I have bad inflammation, probably had it for years from stress and lack of rest, and COVID exacerbated it. Badly. I'm off caffeine, eating whole foods, taking cold showers and loving my lemon balm and chamomile combo in the morning and afternoon. Supplementing cortisol support. It's been slow. I'm in month 10 and just now starting to mellow out more days than not. My skin no longer appears patchy red. I've also had to come off the computer - when you don't work, you doom scroll. Nobody tells you this stuff! Thanks for the info and keep writing. It helps!
Congrats on retirement! That is such an intense space to work in. I had my breakdown after just five years of working in a quasi-judicial institution going toe to toe with crown counsel and seasoned lawyers (with nothing but a Fine Arts degree and my wits!) I wasn’t even a lawyer and it took such a toll. I think tho that these major transitions / experiences of crashing can be the greatest gifts of our lives. If we are willing to approach them with curiosity, self-compassion and grit they can be a doorway into something beautiful. Good luck and thanks for being here. xo
This resonates a lot, be it from a slightly different perspective perhaps. I’ve known my whole adult life that I’m highly sensitive but only very recently (like last week recently) discovered that I might be a high sensation seeker too. There’s very little research or literature on HSS compared to HSP but it puts my burn-outs and bore-outs in a completely different perspective. I’m learning now that to thrive I might not merely need less sensory input, I need the right balance between rest and nourishment, and new experiences that activate and challenge me. It’s not just about the quantity but more so about the quality of the things we do to strike the balance right.
I think what you're describing is an incredibly normal, human experience. I wonder if our urge to medicalize or diagnose the very things that make us human is part of what is making us ill?(Speaking from 20 years of experience battling serious mental illness and having recovered.) I've also been told I'm an HSP and I think - sure, I'm sensitive - but is that something that requires a diagnosis which implies there is something wrong with me?
I'd be willing to bet there is nothing 'wrong' with you either. You are a creative walking around in this vulnerable, fleshy body and needing to alternate rest and nourishment or challenge is a completely healthy, human way of being in the world.
Take from this what you will, ignore it if it doesn't feel true - but I'll just put this out there as food for thought. The minute I shifted my perspective from 'what is wrong with me' to 'I just want to better understand how I work' - everything shifted.
Glad to hear you're gaining so much powerful insight about how you work.
You are absolutely right and it’s definitely how I try to look at it: wanting to understand better what works for me and crafting my life around those principles and what I know to be true for me. Perhaps I still tend to rely a bit too much on outside information. For some reason I love self help books and recognizing myself in the writing of others, but this is a great reminder not to take any advice too literally and keeping checking in with what works for me as a unique human being in this world.
Ahhhh, I feel this in my bones. I can't even imagine what a Canadian cold plunge would feel like in December (hello from the Sunshine Coast, Australia where it's currently 32 degrees). The ocean here is still cold (normally it warms with each summer) but at the moment it has stayed icy. And while there is no parallel between an ice plunge and an ocean swim, there is something that the cold water brings alive in us.
As I prepare for college I’m being told again and again that I ought to aim higher than a teacher. I know I’m smart. I know the same facts about myself that they do, and probably know a fair few more of my accomplishments than they do, because as the years past I tend to not let my skills cross paths and meet people who know of different accolades. It’s so that people stop worrying themselves (and me) over what it means; how is it I achieve so highly? It seems to be a mixture of breathless worry and sheer accident. With every medal I get, I can’t help but hold my flip-flopping stomach and wonder what on earth I’ll have to do to keep it up! But in the past year or so, I’ve been letting go. I can’t quite credit your work for it; I’ve only discovered Substack this fall. But your ideas are ones I’ve thought about while flattening myself to the wall to avoid the oncoming Sisyphean boulder of my own achievements; I can’t be happy and pursuing an endless path. I could be the star student president of this or that but I’d also end up huddled in a corner of my own creation, shaking like a chihuahua with chronic diabetes, four doughnuts down the gullet, and a dozen more of them staring me down with the unerring gaze of an opponent that knows the battle isn’t between me and them; it’s between myself (a finite force) and the reality of my self inflicted troubles (unchangingly difficult) which inexorably leads me to the death of my soul.
Ignore my verbosity and odd imagery; it’s a chronic issue I’ve absolutely no plans of resolving. But I probably ought to wander back to your post. It’s very comfortable, to cut out bits and pieces of my goals and to be reminded of my purpose when I meander through your work. The word comfortable is getting almost as worn out in this comment as me of junior year was, but life really is comfortable when you slim the approach down to your key values, isn’t it? This post was a lovely reminder of that. I was home sick today and I did absolutely nothing for any of my multitude of art projects. But on reading this I realized that it doesn’t really matter because I did want to spend the day reading and I enjoyed that. And, if that fails, I have the comfortable knowledge that all I really want to be is a friendly art teacher; that future me doesn’t need to have sweated over wire armatures (still feverish, of course) to be the whole person I want to be.
I think what you're describing is a pretty common experience for high-achieving high school students. I know I often wondered if I'd ever be able to live up to the accomplishments of my youth.
I guess what I was trying to say with this piece is that comfort shouldn't be our goal. That too far one way or the other and we get the same unhealthy result. We find resilience through exposing our tender spaces, trusting ourselves and venturing intentionally into the space just beyond comfort. We don't have to live there, but if we want a brave, juicy, wholehearted life, we have to dip our toes in the cold water regularly, mindfully and intentionally.
I Love everythINg you shared about grit. To me, grit IS a combINation of passion and perseverance. It IS to never give up. To give up IS what causes (Spiritual) dis-ease and Death. Grit and ease are collaborative and complementary - not conflictINg.
I remember my first proper cold plunge .... and the cathartic experience it was. Cold therapy quite literally shocks you INto slow BEcause IN those moments All that matters IS the PENETRATIVE PRESENT.
An offerINg / INvitation:
As Women who bleed WE must BE very INtentional with how and more specifically WHEN WE work with cold therapy. I recommend only doINg cold therapy when you are ovulatINg. ThIS IS when your Body IS cyclINg through what’s Known as your INNER SUMMER. This IS when your digestive fire IS at its All-time High, when your overall Body temperature IS at an All-time High, and when testosterone levels are Higher withIN your hormone profile. THere’s a lot more regulation IN your system to handle the shock durINg that time, if you Will. ThIS requires you to come INto a deeper and more INtimate relationship with your Womb as Well. And also with the EARTH. BEing mindful of both the INner and outer season you’re playing IN. The most ideal time for Women to play with cold therapy IS during the outer and INner seasons of SUMMER. The WELLth of your Womb IS greatly determined by the warmth of your Womb, hence why I recommend doing thIS practise when the warmth IS Naturally and organically tHere.
I would also HIGHLY recommend having access to a sauna (or a hot bath) so you can always warm up down to the bone and down to the core after cold therapy.
Thanks for the perspective. Happily, I am good with the wealth I've already received from my womb. I have two healthy kids and am well past my baby-rearing days. I know many women find connecting with their cycles and their womb grounding and empowering. However, my relationship with that element of my body has been one of constant battle. I am not drawn to ways of being that root themselves there or bring it to the fore. For me, it's been something to survive and endure; there's no celebration there.
I use cold therapy daily via cold showers and from what I've read from the science, you get the most benefit if you allow your body to warm up naturally on its own. Alternating hot and cold is a different thing altogether and while it is great for vascular health, my understanding is it doesn't impart the same benefits as finishing with cold and coming back to body temp naturally.
Oh, so me. SO ME! I retired early at 60 last May from a high stress attorney job, did really well while working on a goal - getting in shape and losing 65 pounds - and collapsed after reaching it. Anxiety, depression, disassociation, ruminating about death, the WORKS. Finally found a doctor who didn't want to pump me with antidepressants. I have bad inflammation, probably had it for years from stress and lack of rest, and COVID exacerbated it. Badly. I'm off caffeine, eating whole foods, taking cold showers and loving my lemon balm and chamomile combo in the morning and afternoon. Supplementing cortisol support. It's been slow. I'm in month 10 and just now starting to mellow out more days than not. My skin no longer appears patchy red. I've also had to come off the computer - when you don't work, you doom scroll. Nobody tells you this stuff! Thanks for the info and keep writing. It helps!
Congrats on retirement! That is such an intense space to work in. I had my breakdown after just five years of working in a quasi-judicial institution going toe to toe with crown counsel and seasoned lawyers (with nothing but a Fine Arts degree and my wits!) I wasn’t even a lawyer and it took such a toll. I think tho that these major transitions / experiences of crashing can be the greatest gifts of our lives. If we are willing to approach them with curiosity, self-compassion and grit they can be a doorway into something beautiful. Good luck and thanks for being here. xo
Nothing continues to exist which does not achieve complete balance. You are on the right track to knowing.
This resonates a lot, be it from a slightly different perspective perhaps. I’ve known my whole adult life that I’m highly sensitive but only very recently (like last week recently) discovered that I might be a high sensation seeker too. There’s very little research or literature on HSS compared to HSP but it puts my burn-outs and bore-outs in a completely different perspective. I’m learning now that to thrive I might not merely need less sensory input, I need the right balance between rest and nourishment, and new experiences that activate and challenge me. It’s not just about the quantity but more so about the quality of the things we do to strike the balance right.
I think what you're describing is an incredibly normal, human experience. I wonder if our urge to medicalize or diagnose the very things that make us human is part of what is making us ill?(Speaking from 20 years of experience battling serious mental illness and having recovered.) I've also been told I'm an HSP and I think - sure, I'm sensitive - but is that something that requires a diagnosis which implies there is something wrong with me?
I'd be willing to bet there is nothing 'wrong' with you either. You are a creative walking around in this vulnerable, fleshy body and needing to alternate rest and nourishment or challenge is a completely healthy, human way of being in the world.
Take from this what you will, ignore it if it doesn't feel true - but I'll just put this out there as food for thought. The minute I shifted my perspective from 'what is wrong with me' to 'I just want to better understand how I work' - everything shifted.
Glad to hear you're gaining so much powerful insight about how you work.
You are absolutely right and it’s definitely how I try to look at it: wanting to understand better what works for me and crafting my life around those principles and what I know to be true for me. Perhaps I still tend to rely a bit too much on outside information. For some reason I love self help books and recognizing myself in the writing of others, but this is a great reminder not to take any advice too literally and keeping checking in with what works for me as a unique human being in this world.
"I Don't Want to Be 'Safe'. I Want to Be Whole."
Ahhhh, I feel this in my bones. I can't even imagine what a Canadian cold plunge would feel like in December (hello from the Sunshine Coast, Australia where it's currently 32 degrees). The ocean here is still cold (normally it warms with each summer) but at the moment it has stayed icy. And while there is no parallel between an ice plunge and an ocean swim, there is something that the cold water brings alive in us.
As I prepare for college I’m being told again and again that I ought to aim higher than a teacher. I know I’m smart. I know the same facts about myself that they do, and probably know a fair few more of my accomplishments than they do, because as the years past I tend to not let my skills cross paths and meet people who know of different accolades. It’s so that people stop worrying themselves (and me) over what it means; how is it I achieve so highly? It seems to be a mixture of breathless worry and sheer accident. With every medal I get, I can’t help but hold my flip-flopping stomach and wonder what on earth I’ll have to do to keep it up! But in the past year or so, I’ve been letting go. I can’t quite credit your work for it; I’ve only discovered Substack this fall. But your ideas are ones I’ve thought about while flattening myself to the wall to avoid the oncoming Sisyphean boulder of my own achievements; I can’t be happy and pursuing an endless path. I could be the star student president of this or that but I’d also end up huddled in a corner of my own creation, shaking like a chihuahua with chronic diabetes, four doughnuts down the gullet, and a dozen more of them staring me down with the unerring gaze of an opponent that knows the battle isn’t between me and them; it’s between myself (a finite force) and the reality of my self inflicted troubles (unchangingly difficult) which inexorably leads me to the death of my soul.
Ignore my verbosity and odd imagery; it’s a chronic issue I’ve absolutely no plans of resolving. But I probably ought to wander back to your post. It’s very comfortable, to cut out bits and pieces of my goals and to be reminded of my purpose when I meander through your work. The word comfortable is getting almost as worn out in this comment as me of junior year was, but life really is comfortable when you slim the approach down to your key values, isn’t it? This post was a lovely reminder of that. I was home sick today and I did absolutely nothing for any of my multitude of art projects. But on reading this I realized that it doesn’t really matter because I did want to spend the day reading and I enjoyed that. And, if that fails, I have the comfortable knowledge that all I really want to be is a friendly art teacher; that future me doesn’t need to have sweated over wire armatures (still feverish, of course) to be the whole person I want to be.
I think what you're describing is a pretty common experience for high-achieving high school students. I know I often wondered if I'd ever be able to live up to the accomplishments of my youth.
I guess what I was trying to say with this piece is that comfort shouldn't be our goal. That too far one way or the other and we get the same unhealthy result. We find resilience through exposing our tender spaces, trusting ourselves and venturing intentionally into the space just beyond comfort. We don't have to live there, but if we want a brave, juicy, wholehearted life, we have to dip our toes in the cold water regularly, mindfully and intentionally.
I Love everythINg you shared about grit. To me, grit IS a combINation of passion and perseverance. It IS to never give up. To give up IS what causes (Spiritual) dis-ease and Death. Grit and ease are collaborative and complementary - not conflictINg.
Collaborative is a great word for it.
I remember my first proper cold plunge .... and the cathartic experience it was. Cold therapy quite literally shocks you INto slow BEcause IN those moments All that matters IS the PENETRATIVE PRESENT.
An offerINg / INvitation:
As Women who bleed WE must BE very INtentional with how and more specifically WHEN WE work with cold therapy. I recommend only doINg cold therapy when you are ovulatINg. ThIS IS when your Body IS cyclINg through what’s Known as your INNER SUMMER. This IS when your digestive fire IS at its All-time High, when your overall Body temperature IS at an All-time High, and when testosterone levels are Higher withIN your hormone profile. THere’s a lot more regulation IN your system to handle the shock durINg that time, if you Will. ThIS requires you to come INto a deeper and more INtimate relationship with your Womb as Well. And also with the EARTH. BEing mindful of both the INner and outer season you’re playing IN. The most ideal time for Women to play with cold therapy IS during the outer and INner seasons of SUMMER. The WELLth of your Womb IS greatly determined by the warmth of your Womb, hence why I recommend doing thIS practise when the warmth IS Naturally and organically tHere.
I would also HIGHLY recommend having access to a sauna (or a hot bath) so you can always warm up down to the bone and down to the core after cold therapy.
Thanks for the perspective. Happily, I am good with the wealth I've already received from my womb. I have two healthy kids and am well past my baby-rearing days. I know many women find connecting with their cycles and their womb grounding and empowering. However, my relationship with that element of my body has been one of constant battle. I am not drawn to ways of being that root themselves there or bring it to the fore. For me, it's been something to survive and endure; there's no celebration there.
I use cold therapy daily via cold showers and from what I've read from the science, you get the most benefit if you allow your body to warm up naturally on its own. Alternating hot and cold is a different thing altogether and while it is great for vascular health, my understanding is it doesn't impart the same benefits as finishing with cold and coming back to body temp naturally.
Stacey, Good for you! Grit -something to think about D
Thanks, Dave!