This was such a beautiful piece, I’m still in those early years and this was a wonderful reminder that one day I will get through a whole cup of tea while it’s hot! I love your idea of painting small so you could easily finish your pieces. I chronically take on creative projects too big for me and they end up falling by the wayside but my guilt for not finishing them stays with me.
It feels impossible in those early years, doesn't it!?? Or whole, uninterrupted adult conversation. There were seasons when that felt like the height of luxury. Hehe. Now though, my youngest is 10 and WE get to enjoy a hot cuppa *together* now, complete with proper conversation. It is well worth all those years of cold coffee to get to share that with her now. I have chronic start-itis . . . knitting, painting, you name it. It was really tough to go that tiny emotionally, but once I did I haven't looked back, and I have *completed* so many paintings!
'I'm turning my attention to mothering myself'. Yes! My intense mothering is lasting longer than expected due to my kids additional needs, and I have learnt that taking time to nurture and regulate myself is vital even if I have to fight to claim that space at times.
It tough to find the energy to fight that fight when you have your hands full with mothering, isn't it? I simply couldn't in a the way I wanted to for a long time, but the older I get the more I realize that even those stollen moments to drink my (hot!) coffee mattered and helped get me through. xo
Beautiful words and I truly feel that, a bit like postpartum, Matrescence is almost a constant state of being as your children mirror the ever evolving phases in ourselves too. Growing together. I love that you have reclaimed these pieces for you and it gives me hope to cling to in the moments that feel impossible. Xxx
That's so true. I've felt that especially lately as my oldest transforms from a little boy into a young man - teen stash and all. There has been an unexpected bittersweet grief there as I watch him pull away from me and out into the world. I know it means I've done my job if he has the confidence to pull away in such a healthy way, but I still miss my boy. Having to learn how to mother from a distance has been a whole new can o'beans. It never ends . . . but at least my coffee is hot now!! Sending big hugs. xo
This couldn’t be more timely for me. I’m in the thick of the early years — with a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. Thanks for helping me today, where I feel overwhelmed and unseen. X
Oh Natasha, those early years are so tough, made so much more so by the guilt that often envelops them - we are ‘supposed’ to be basking in the pure joy of motherhood. The reality is often so different. Mothering is hard af, especially if you don’t have that proverbial village. Just know you aren’t alone in feeling overwhelmed and you will come out the other side. Sending you the biggest hug - hang in there. Xoxo
"I didn’t do it because doing something I love would make me a better wife or mother or reduce my stress or cure burnout or any of the rest. "
But you did. Because you missed the most important part of all: when we cater to ourselves and our needs, in turn, we become better mothers and partners. We are more fulfilled, happier, calmer. When we become better for us, we become better for our unit. It's, at the core, not a selfish act at all!
Oh I love this!!! I was a mother of bigger kids but now with a new baby I am the sea and shore again :) , so am excited to be back to my big kid phase again
As a 46-year-old mom of five kids ages 14 to 26, I'm right in the thick of this transition, and it truly can be disorienting. I'm currently working on a book about the transition between the "active" stage of motherhood and what comes after, and have also found myself writing about this stage as an opportunity for self-mothering and self-nurturing. A "Second Matrescence" is such a beautiful way to describe this phase, which, by the way, changes year-to-year....just as the first matrescence does.
Welcome, Meagan! Please share your book with us when it's ready for the world. What a beautiful and rarely explored season of parenting. It's disorienting but also so full of opportunity to ask ourselves what we want of our lives and our selves. Difficult and full of discomfort but also growth and practice in letting go. Good luck - I'm right behind you!
This was a really beautiful, uplifting and reassuring read. As I mother in the early days of a 4 year old and a 2 year old, it is full on and intense especially as it feels important to fit creativity into my life. I loved hearing how the form of this changes as they grow and that the time will come when it will feel less squeezed. I also absolutely loved what you said about modelling creativity, joy and wholeness to our daughters. My self-worth has shifted as a mother in terms of work and I think that is mainly as a result of my daughter xx
Those early days are so hard and also so painfully beautiful. For me, my creativity had to shift into a different form - largely in my garden, because I found that less, how can I say, not demanding but it had less self-judgement attached to it? There was no right or wrong and it was simply about being in the garden and it felt easier to 'justify' that time because it also put food on our table in a big way. Funny how we sometimes feel the need to justify our most basic needs, isn't it? My daughter is big enough now to understand in a very concrete way that this is an intentional act for me, one that has taken effort and also going against the grain and she has been my biggest cheerleader, even tho she's only 10. I hope that will become a reflex for her - to be her own biggest cheerleader and she builds a life that honours both her needs and her dreams . . .
Thanks Elizabeth. It's been a wonky ride this transition and full of unexpected grief and loss as I watch my children pass through the seasons of childhood. It caught me off guard, that sense of loss for the wee versions of my kids. Still finding our way.
I am a grandmother now raising, really helping my daughter raise 5 little ones. I am re-experiencing so much of motherhood which having been a working career-driven single parent I missed out on with my daughter. Matrescence. Powerful words for thought. Thank you. 🤗
Wow, your daughter and grandbabies are so lucky to have you. That's lovely that you're getting to dive into those years in a new way. My father always says being a grandparent is his reward for not killing his kids as teenagers. I am sure your daughter must appreciate the time with you so much, too. No matter how old we are, we still need our Mums!
Hi Stacey, thank you so much for that piece. As a mother who is in the trenches of the first part of matrescence (I have two little children), the idea of reclaiming your life at some point was something I needed to read. It is also interesting what the Universe throws at us :) I have just published a post today about matrescence and why mothering is hard from the perspective of psychological, emotional, physical, and social changes that occur within us (I humbly shared a link below). And how these changes have long-lasting effects on us (which are rather positive, not negative). Again, thank you for that piece!
I'm so glad it found you. Honestly, I think this is one of the greatest blessings of having intergenerational friendships. I have lots of girlfriends 20 or even 40 years older than I am, and having them be able to give me a hug (or a swift kick) and sharing that wisdom of their experience has made such a difference especially during stormy seasons. (helllllooo teenagers, here we go!) And you're so right - all that tough stuff is always the good stuff in the long run. Looking forward to reading your post - thanks for sharing!
Stacey, What a poignant story of being more than our ever changing situation. We'll done. Thank you for sharing these thoughts and feelings. D
This was such a beautiful piece, I’m still in those early years and this was a wonderful reminder that one day I will get through a whole cup of tea while it’s hot! I love your idea of painting small so you could easily finish your pieces. I chronically take on creative projects too big for me and they end up falling by the wayside but my guilt for not finishing them stays with me.
It feels impossible in those early years, doesn't it!?? Or whole, uninterrupted adult conversation. There were seasons when that felt like the height of luxury. Hehe. Now though, my youngest is 10 and WE get to enjoy a hot cuppa *together* now, complete with proper conversation. It is well worth all those years of cold coffee to get to share that with her now. I have chronic start-itis . . . knitting, painting, you name it. It was really tough to go that tiny emotionally, but once I did I haven't looked back, and I have *completed* so many paintings!
'I'm turning my attention to mothering myself'. Yes! My intense mothering is lasting longer than expected due to my kids additional needs, and I have learnt that taking time to nurture and regulate myself is vital even if I have to fight to claim that space at times.
It tough to find the energy to fight that fight when you have your hands full with mothering, isn't it? I simply couldn't in a the way I wanted to for a long time, but the older I get the more I realize that even those stollen moments to drink my (hot!) coffee mattered and helped get me through. xo
Beautiful words and I truly feel that, a bit like postpartum, Matrescence is almost a constant state of being as your children mirror the ever evolving phases in ourselves too. Growing together. I love that you have reclaimed these pieces for you and it gives me hope to cling to in the moments that feel impossible. Xxx
That's so true. I've felt that especially lately as my oldest transforms from a little boy into a young man - teen stash and all. There has been an unexpected bittersweet grief there as I watch him pull away from me and out into the world. I know it means I've done my job if he has the confidence to pull away in such a healthy way, but I still miss my boy. Having to learn how to mother from a distance has been a whole new can o'beans. It never ends . . . but at least my coffee is hot now!! Sending big hugs. xo
This couldn’t be more timely for me. I’m in the thick of the early years — with a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. Thanks for helping me today, where I feel overwhelmed and unseen. X
Oh Natasha, those early years are so tough, made so much more so by the guilt that often envelops them - we are ‘supposed’ to be basking in the pure joy of motherhood. The reality is often so different. Mothering is hard af, especially if you don’t have that proverbial village. Just know you aren’t alone in feeling overwhelmed and you will come out the other side. Sending you the biggest hug - hang in there. Xoxo
"I didn’t do it because doing something I love would make me a better wife or mother or reduce my stress or cure burnout or any of the rest. "
But you did. Because you missed the most important part of all: when we cater to ourselves and our needs, in turn, we become better mothers and partners. We are more fulfilled, happier, calmer. When we become better for us, we become better for our unit. It's, at the core, not a selfish act at all!
Thank you. I really liked your article. There is so much to it, so many layers and depth.
My kids are teenagers, and I can remember and also not remember the early years.
I liked your painting. It inspired me!
Oh, this is such a timely post for me and what I am going through a bit right now. Thank you Stacey 💗
Glad it found you Mackenzie. xo
Oh I love this!!! I was a mother of bigger kids but now with a new baby I am the sea and shore again :) , so am excited to be back to my big kid phase again
Having a wee one after moving through the phases once must be such a different experience! You must have so much wisdom to draw on; what a gift.
As a 46-year-old mom of five kids ages 14 to 26, I'm right in the thick of this transition, and it truly can be disorienting. I'm currently working on a book about the transition between the "active" stage of motherhood and what comes after, and have also found myself writing about this stage as an opportunity for self-mothering and self-nurturing. A "Second Matrescence" is such a beautiful way to describe this phase, which, by the way, changes year-to-year....just as the first matrescence does.
New reader and very much loving the vibe here!
Welcome, Meagan! Please share your book with us when it's ready for the world. What a beautiful and rarely explored season of parenting. It's disorienting but also so full of opportunity to ask ourselves what we want of our lives and our selves. Difficult and full of discomfort but also growth and practice in letting go. Good luck - I'm right behind you!
This was a really beautiful, uplifting and reassuring read. As I mother in the early days of a 4 year old and a 2 year old, it is full on and intense especially as it feels important to fit creativity into my life. I loved hearing how the form of this changes as they grow and that the time will come when it will feel less squeezed. I also absolutely loved what you said about modelling creativity, joy and wholeness to our daughters. My self-worth has shifted as a mother in terms of work and I think that is mainly as a result of my daughter xx
Those early days are so hard and also so painfully beautiful. For me, my creativity had to shift into a different form - largely in my garden, because I found that less, how can I say, not demanding but it had less self-judgement attached to it? There was no right or wrong and it was simply about being in the garden and it felt easier to 'justify' that time because it also put food on our table in a big way. Funny how we sometimes feel the need to justify our most basic needs, isn't it? My daughter is big enough now to understand in a very concrete way that this is an intentional act for me, one that has taken effort and also going against the grain and she has been my biggest cheerleader, even tho she's only 10. I hope that will become a reflex for her - to be her own biggest cheerleader and she builds a life that honours both her needs and her dreams . . .
Wow, what a beautiful read. I felt every single word you wrote 🙏 Thank you.
Thanks Elizabeth. It's been a wonky ride this transition and full of unexpected grief and loss as I watch my children pass through the seasons of childhood. It caught me off guard, that sense of loss for the wee versions of my kids. Still finding our way.
I am a grandmother now raising, really helping my daughter raise 5 little ones. I am re-experiencing so much of motherhood which having been a working career-driven single parent I missed out on with my daughter. Matrescence. Powerful words for thought. Thank you. 🤗
Wow, your daughter and grandbabies are so lucky to have you. That's lovely that you're getting to dive into those years in a new way. My father always says being a grandparent is his reward for not killing his kids as teenagers. I am sure your daughter must appreciate the time with you so much, too. No matter how old we are, we still need our Mums!
Hi Stacey, thank you so much for that piece. As a mother who is in the trenches of the first part of matrescence (I have two little children), the idea of reclaiming your life at some point was something I needed to read. It is also interesting what the Universe throws at us :) I have just published a post today about matrescence and why mothering is hard from the perspective of psychological, emotional, physical, and social changes that occur within us (I humbly shared a link below). And how these changes have long-lasting effects on us (which are rather positive, not negative). Again, thank you for that piece!
https://unscrewing.substack.com/p/motherhood-is-hard-because-and-other?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
I'm so glad it found you. Honestly, I think this is one of the greatest blessings of having intergenerational friendships. I have lots of girlfriends 20 or even 40 years older than I am, and having them be able to give me a hug (or a swift kick) and sharing that wisdom of their experience has made such a difference especially during stormy seasons. (helllllooo teenagers, here we go!) And you're so right - all that tough stuff is always the good stuff in the long run. Looking forward to reading your post - thanks for sharing!
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