How to Slow Down with Kids
Living a Slow Lifestyle as a parent - Mom Guilt and all.
Welcome to Slow Folk - a community for gentle hearts and renegades, thirsty for a slower life in a world obsessed with speed.
These are my notes and reflections from over a decade of life in the Slow Lane. If you’re ready to push back against busy to build a life of purpose and presence-over-perfection - please join me.
Welcome to the unbusy revolution.
N.B. This piece was written in 2018. My eldest son has now survived a little over 12 years of slow parenting. Watch for part two where we’ll talk about how it went - and how we’re managing shifting needs of older kids within a slow framework.
I’m not sure how it happened, but Living Slow + Simple with kids has swung from the realm of completely normal to totally impossible in just one generation.
Is it really impossible to slow down with kids??
I dunno about you, but my childhood (in the 80’s thankyouverymuch) wasn’t spent being shuttled from one expensive scheduled activity to another.
We had music lessons, and later (much later) one sport each . . . but other than that we were playing baseball in the street, helping rake leaves, getting grubby catching frogs in road ditches . . . You know, having fun!
It didn’t used to be called Slow Parenting or Free Range Parenting (or illegal!!)
It was just called CHILDHOOD.
What the heck happened??! Why is it suddenly so hard to slow down with kids?
My first child wasn’t very old when I realized how different things would be for him. The pressure to perform – even as a toddler – was everywhere.
I found myself covering my three year old’s ears as some other mother ranted about her son failing swimming lessons (meanwhile we were on our fifth try and he was none the wiser) or having to explain to my five year old that his buddy couldn’t come and play because he had parent-assigned homework.
There were flashcards and multiple after school activities in a single day and SO. MUCH. DRIVING. They all looked worn out and exhausted and spent most of their free time complaining about their “daily grind” with their kids.
This all felt really weird for me. Is this what we want for our kid’s childhoods, or for ourselves as mothers? No one seems to slow down long enough to ask if this is good for us or our kids, or even if there is any real benefit.
What the heck was so wrong with spending childhood PLAYING, anyway??
But it turns out, from what I could tell – most of the moms around me thought I was the one who’d gone crazy.
I just couldn’t accept that all this stress could possibly be better for my kids than what we were doing – playing outside, exploring, reading, drawing, cooking together . . . But despite that, the Mom guilt was real.
This was the chorus I heard (and continue to hear) time and time again :
Why on earth aren’t you trying to give your kid a leg up?
Don’t you want him to succeed? Don’t you want him to get ahead?
Don’t you want him to be prepared?
And my personal favourite . . .
Oooh . . . so you’re not worried about that??
First things first. You gotta let that shit go. Seriously. Like, right now.
Let’s face it. Mom-Guilt will be there whether we like it or not. We might as well feel guilty about doing what’s best for our kids, amIright??
We CAN choose. It doesn’t feel like it most days, but we CAN. They are our kids, and it’s up to us to protect them.
You are NOT a bad parent if you choose to allow your child to adopt a slower pace of life.
If you still struggle with feeling guilty about doing things differently, I can tell you that by being unafraid and open about flipping the bird to fast childhood, I’ve found a small but amazing tribe of women doing the same. Both us and our kids are way better off for it.
You’re not alone. Lots of other parents feel the same way, but most are afraid to speak up. If you can find the courage to do things differently, you’re empowering other Mamas around you to do the same.
Alright, feeling brave?
Here’s 10 Ways to Slow Down With Kids. Let’s dive in.
1) SLOW THE SCHEDULE
This is the number one step you can take to slow the pace of life for your kids. We have been so trained to believe that it’s not the amount of time, but the quality of time our kids have.
This simply isn’t true.
The most glorious, humbling, heart-filling moments I’ve experienced with my kids happened in quantity time. Those wonderful hazy summer afternoons spent laying in the grass, picking berries, watching for bunnies, catching frogs. You can’t plan or schedule those miraculous moments of discovery. They simply need time and space to breathe.
Magic takes time. Long, noodling, dawdling chunks of time. You can’t force it.
This is sacrilege in this day and age but here we go, I’m gonna say it : Your kid doesn’t need all those after-school activities.
Have you ever asked your kids if they WANT to do all those things?
Evaluate WHY you want your kids to do all these things. Is it worth being stressed and exhausted, running from one spot to another, ordering take out or rushing dinner?
Do the benefits outweigh the costs?
I don’t mean money. Have you even considered that there might be costs? Could that time be better spent playing outside with friends? Snuggling with you and a book? Exploring? Daydreaming?
2) EAT A MEAL TOGETHER
This is a tough one if you haven’t addressed the schedule, but it doesn’t have to be dinner. Breakfast as a family can be a great way to start the day and send your kids off into the world with a proper meal and a sense of belonging.
Eating a family meal with your kids has some surprising benefits :
Better academic performance
Higher self-esteem
Greater sense of resilience
Lower risk of substance abuse
Lower risk of teen pregnancy
Lower risk of depression
Lower likelihood of developing eating disorders
Lower rates of obesity
Even if it only happens once a week, it’s better than nothing. Sit at the table. Turn off the tv. Talk to your kids.
3) REDUCE THE TOYS
Ever notice how after you tidy or purge your kids’ room or playroom, they are immediately in there playing? My kids sure do.
Too much stuff is overwhelming, is hard for little people to tidy up and creates chaos and stress for everyone.
Keep it simple. Our kids are 5 and 8. We have :
building toys
art supplies
animals
cars
puzzels / boardgames
musical instruments
That’s it. It’s more than enough.
Toys that aren’t specific, that encourage imaginative free play will be the best investment over time. I have a set of wooden blocks that I got when my son was a toddler and they are still the number one choice in the toy room.
Toys that actually get played with mean they’ll last longer, are less likely to end up in the bin and will save you money.
4) GIVE YOUR KIDS THE GIFT OF BOREDOM
Moooooom, I’m boooored!
We all hear it, and we all cringe. That phrase is nails on a chalkboard for every parent I know.
BUT.
Boredom has benefits. Clinically proven benefits, even.
Boredom can increase creativity, productivity, acts of kindness and even our own happiness. Yes, really.
So let them be bored. Resist the urge to solve their problems for them. They are capable, creative little humans if we give them the space.
Things my kids have come up with on their own on days that started with I’m bored
made a flotilla of boats out of found objects and sailed them in a puddle for no less than two hours.
built a fort
did chores without being asked
spent hours in sub-freezing temperatures stomping the ice in frozen puddles
created their own comic books
wrote and performed a song
did “science experiments” with natural objects found outside
built a teeter totter
made up games
made their own fancy picnic to eat in their fort
planted their own garden
set up a vegetable stand and sold their own veggies
Some of our best days have begun with “I’m bored”. Don’t deny them the gift of boredom.
5) VALUE PLAY
Play is highly undervalued in our culture.
Play; solitary, unmediated play – just kids free from the imposed structure of adults – is rapidly disappearing. This is especially true of outside play.
Children today spend less time outdoors than any other generation, devoting only four to seven minutes to unstructured outdoor play per day while spending an average of seven and a half hours in front of electronic media.
– National Recreation and Park Association
Let that one sink in for a sec. Four to Seven MINUTES.
Free play, like roughhousing or any other play that requires kids to sort their stuff out on their own encourages socialization, creativity, judgement, problem solving and more.
Free play is also an opportunity for discovery, imagination, curiosity and courage. It gives them a chance to test their limits and gain a sense of self, confidence, responsibility and control.
None of this involves any input from us as parents. Of course, it’s easier if you have a yard, but this type of play can happen anywhere – in a park or under the kitchen table.
Just get out of the way and leave them be.
Prioritizing time for your kids to goof off outside is one of the easiest ways to slow down with kids.
My kids up before the sun for a snow-filled day of free play.
6) VALUE REST
I want my kids to develop the reflex and self-confidence to slow things down when they need to. To be self-aware if they are feeling tired, stressed, anxious or out of control and know that they have the power to fix it.
For us, this means taking a day off school to sleep in and play outside with siblings. It might mean spending an entire Sunday in PJ’s, or saying NO to a late night soccer practice and YES to an early bedtime.
We can show our kids that it’s ok for them to catch their breath.
7 ) VALUE WORK
Le Tempo Giusto is about balance between slow and fast – the proper pace. Work is part of that.
Having regular responsibilities around the home helps establish a rhythm to they week and provides an important counterpoint to rest and play.
Working alongside parents gives kids confidence and lets them know that they matter in the family.
Whether you let your kids help with dinner, set the table or something bigger like participate in a family business, your children will develop skills and a work ethic that will serve them well. It will also help them understand that living a slow lifestyle means everything has a season. Work, rest, play.
8) CREATE ISLANDS OF SLOWNESS
Kids love routine. Love. Thrive on it.
Islands of slowness help keep everyone on an even keel in between the inevitable hectic pace of daily life.
family meals
bedtime routine – this can vary in length but doing the same thing every night in the same order goes a long way.
family traditions and rituals This could be weekly, daily or annually. Pizza and a board game on Friday night, pancakes every Sunday, Saturday morning walks with the dog, a family fishing trip every fall. It doesn’t matter so much what it is, just that it IS
9) LISTEN
This is simple but tough. So tough.
Just listen to your kids. Set down your phone. Catch up. Chat.
Remember for your kids the small stuff IS the big stuff.
Giving the gift of your time and attention will always be the best way to slow down life for your kids and reduce the stress of a busy life.
10) LIVE BY EXAMPLE
If you want to Slow Down with kids, YOU have to Slow Down.
Let your kids catch you slowing down. Taking time out to do what you love. Looking after yourself, spending time with friends.
We can’t change the external obsession with speed and more more more. We CAN do our best to insulate our kids while they’re young, so they can have the chance to develop habits and know there’s another way.
It will never be perfect. Parenting is messy and freaking hard.
It’s normal to doubt yourself or worry you aren’t enough.
But I’m here to tell you YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are all your kids need.
No after school program or extra homework or advance music class will have the positive benefit of time with family spent slowing down and focusing on what matters.
You can do it. You CAN Slow Down with kids. Be gentle with yourself, be brave and start where you are.
Have you tried to Slow Down with kids? Share your tips in the comments below!
Stacey Langford is a writer, renegade farmer and slow business mentor living and working in Canada’s Fraser Valley. In 2010 Stacey ditched her cubicle in the city to turn her attention homeward, farm and help others craft a simple life, from scratch.